I think it’s cool when video games make such an impact that they’re turned into “Blockbuster Movies”. Super Mario Bros., Street Fighter, Mortal Kombat and Resident Evil are great examples. Wikipedia has the full list. So i figured, if any video game could be turned into a movie ‘Mike Tyson’s Punch Out!!’ could be it. Without further ado, I present to you the cast of Mike Tyson’s Punch Out!! starring:
Glass Joe … Owen Wilson
We start off with Owen Wilson playing the underrated 1-99 Glass Joe. Sure Glass lost a few, but I’m sure Owen can capture his charismatic timid self as Joe. We’ve never seen Owen as a boxer, but then again he does have a permanent broken nose. An implanted chin clef wouldn’t hurt too.
Von Kaiser… Tom Selleck
Three men and a little lady was pathetic, just as much as Tom’s mustache compared to Kaiser’s. A small applicator of Just for Men, red dye #2, and a little grease to oil up his stache tips might turn his performance into a great German Boxer.
Piston Honda… Jason Scott Lee
After ‘Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story’, Jason Scott Lee can pretty much nail down any Asian Martial Artist. Strap some leather gloves on him and what you see is the ideal Piston Honda. I dare you to find a better match!
Don Flamenco… Adam Sandler
This one might surprise you, but looks alone seal Adam Sandler as Don Flamenco. He’s got his grace, the hair with the stupid cowlick, and the long head. His fighting performance in Wedding Singer was below par, but putting a rose in Sandler’s mouth IS possible.
King Hippo… Butter Bean
Ok, this was either too easy or there’s really no other possibility. Butter Bean is a Boxer. Butter Bean is over weight. Butter Bean hides an umbilical injury behind his championship belt. All the (Butter) fingers point to King Bean himself.
Great Tiger… Kal Penn
Flame me with nasty comments for this one. I had no other choice but to choose Kumar. Thinking many of you have seen the opening preview to Harold and Kumar 2: Escape from Guantanamo Bay, I thought Kal Penn was the best for this role. I have a feeling, I’m forgetting someone else.
Bald Bull… Charles Barkley
Bad attitudes and big tongues. Bald Bull is known for his ‘Bull Charge’. Something Sir Charles knows about, you know, a Mr. Michael Jordan and his ‘Bull Charge’ denied Chuck his run at any NBA Title. Also, Charles Barkley has been known to throw a punch. I mean after he connected with Shaq’s chin, I would run the other way too!
Soda Popinski… Jesse Ventura
Yes, most of my casting selections are based primarily on looks, but Jesse Ventura has the credentials people. Are you forgetting he was once, Jesse “The Body” Ventura? Or that he also starred in one the best Sci-Films of all time “Predator”? Jesse has been known to throw punches at his politician oppositions (9-11 Conspiracy), so doing it with one glove and the other with ‘POP’ in it would be a sight.
Mr. Sandman… Lawrence Taylor
One man breaks jaws with his devastating uppercuts. The other snaps legs like it was 6:45pm on Thanksgiving night. Sorry, I had to bring up the Joe Theisman’s Leg break. I do believe the resemblance is uncanny, if I say so myself.. which I did.
Super Macho Man… David Carradine
Many people forget that Super Macho Man is a grey haired chicken leg freak of nature. I didn’t. David Carradine does lack the chin, metaphorically and physically but his performance in Kill Bill: Volume 1 shows his ruthless side. I say, cast David. If his old chest looks terrible on camera consider Beatrice “Bea” Arthur.
Mike Tyson… Michael Strahan
I already got some flak for this one. I know Mike Tyson should play Mike Tyson. Well take a look at Michael Strahan, he’s got the look and the gap in his teeth. I know, “Did you have to pick two New York Giants?” Who else would make a better Tyson? No one! You guys are lucky, I was going to invite BeetleJuice from the Howard Stern show so shut up!
Trainer… Carl Winslow not Reginald VelJohnson
Need I say more… Al Roker came in a close 2nd.
Little Mac… Matthew Broderick
Although Matthew Broderick has aged, he would still fit into a perfect role as Little Mac. His wife Sarah Jessica Parker would probably kick his ass, but she’ll soon realize that he has a “select” button with her name on it. Damn I hate Sex and the City folk. Got a better choice for the Movie Role, we’d like to hear it. I swear, if I see anyone saying Bea Arthur SHOULD replace David Carradine…